Have you seen this crazy painting by the German surrealist Max Ernst? It's titled "Mary Spanking Jesus." I love how it flies in the face of conventional portrayals of Jesus as perfect. It was considered blasphemous when it was first shown, but how exactly is a perfect five year-old to act? I mean, if I had a toddler who never got dirty, always said "please" and "thank you" when he was supposed to, ate all his vegetables, never cried, always wanted to read the scriptures, and never tried to give Kitty a bath, I would be a little concerned (and relieved--I could keep our collection of nineteenth century Faberge eggs out on the end table and not worry about him breaking them). I don't think that even if there were such things as perfect parents, they couldn't get that good of results out of a five year-old. In fact, my parents still don't get that good of results out of me--and they've been trying for a score and fifteen years! I think the only way you could get that behavior is with at least 1200 mg of Ritalin twice a day, coupled with copious use of a sensory-deprivation chamber and a straight jacket. Anyone who thinks that kids exerting their independence in ways that the adults don't approve of is something to be quelled is just missing the point--complacent, submissive children grow up to be complacent, submissive adults.

Last week, the Portland gang went to see "Wallace and Grommit and the Case of the Were-rabbit." Admittedly a kid's movie, we went into it expecting a diverse age spread in the audience, which there was. We got there a couple of minutes before the twilight showing of the movie started. (We went to the twilight showing and it was still $6! If we went to the evening showing it is $8.75! At those prices, I feel COMPLETELY justified in smuggling in two jumbo bags of peanut M&M's, some crackers, a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, and a salisbury steak to offset the complete screw of the admission price--good thing Margaret has a HUGE purse!) Anyway, in the almost-filled theatre, we found enough seats for our group on the front row of the stadium seating area (which is prime, since it's far enough from the screen that my contacts don't fly out from whizzing back and forth at the field-of-vision filling screen, yet close enough to the exit so I can rush to the bathroom after finishing off that aforementioned Diet Coke). Unfortunately, though, to get the seats together, an older couple would have to move over one seat. We asked them if they would so we could all sit together and the woman looked over and saw that she would have to sit next to a maybe seven year-old. She looked back and said, "Not if I have to sit next to that KID." I couldn't believe it--and she said it loud enough for the kid's parents to hear! She wouldn't budge, so we ended up breaking up the group, part of which had to sit next to that couple. I felt like coming into the aisle first and then saying, "Oh, wait, I'm not sitting here if I have to sit next to that OLD LADY." But I didn't--stupid social conventions. As it was, I was glad that a kid sat next to me, because I got to hear him whisper to his mother, "Mom, I have to go potty, but I want to watch the movie, too." Kid, speaking from experience, THAT'S something you can't have both ways--I've tried and the only thing I had to show for it was a drenched theatre seat and a slippery rather than sticky theatre floor.