Neverland

The longer I live in Portland, the more I'm convinced that this is Neverland. The entire city seems to be teeming with Lost Boys (and Girls) who refuse to grow up... not that that's a bad thing, mind you. Examples include the Pirate Festival--I mean, can you even imagine such a thing being held in Dubuque, Iowa, let alone being a huge smash hit? How about the city-wide talent show's winner... a couple singing "I Need a Hero" while dressed in tights and leg warmers for the girl, and skin-tight silver lamé pants for the guy? And there's the sporadic pillow fight in the downtown square that attracts thousands of people and leaves the area looking like it's covered with new-fallen snow. Well, this morning's paper had an article that would have been just as at home in the satire paper The Onion. Evidently there's a group here that have started, get this... wait for it... a PENCIL FIGHT CLUB! Yes, all the drama of a real fight club, without the messy bruises, cuts, and accidental deaths (although it CAN leave nasty splinters!) Can you believe that? When's the last time you even THOUGHT of pencil fights? I haven't participated in the sport since I was in the sixth grade. In fact I can still remember a doping scandal in the underground world of pencil fighting at Lapwai Elementary School. When someone complained about the undefeated status of the school champion, people started snooping and discovered that the champion's winning pencil, dubbed "The Punisher" had been carefully drilled out with the lead in the Ticonderoga No. 2 replaced with REAL lead! That thing weighed three times as much as a natural, steroid-free pencil, and sliced through un-doped pencils like butter. That incident drove the decision of the international sporting body World Pencil Fighting Federation to begin mandatory pencil testing. Not coincidentally, that's when pencil fighting became less popular at my school. The WPFF's draconian measure really sucked the soul from the game and forced us all into the shady underground sport of marbles.

Anyway, back to the pencil fight club. Some bar here in town set up a tournament and attracted quite a few competitors. They used up the equivalent of two giant redwoods in pencils in the deadly matches. The winner was a girl who had never pencil fought before. Here's a quote from the article:

"Janet Foxman, of Cambridge, Massachusetts, who grew up in Portland before studying poety at Boston University, stashed her battle-worn pencils in her hair as she advanced through the bracket. She shunned the standard pencil-fighting attack in favor of an arm-swinging chop, which was within the rules on this night. 'I just hit as hard as possible,' Foxman said. 'I think the men in the competition were very timid with the flicking.'

"Unger, Foxman's final-round opponent, accepted his defeat but did question the winning technique. 'That was never seen in the hallways,' he said. 'But it's like, whatever, we're having fun here."

See, it's all about the fun. (And using questionable fighting techniques.) I particularly like the reference to hallway fighting etiquette. The organizer is moving on to organizing the next competition of another schoolyard staple... Four Square! I'm just waiting for the wedgie competition and swirly championships.