Hot springs revenge

Years ago--like in the 90's--I would make the sinful and debauched hike up to the hot springs south of Provo on a quite regular basis. Little did I know that those visits would result in me falling victim to a curse that would completely destroy my adolescent sense of invincibility as well as my career as a foot model. Ahh, those were the days--going to Taco Time classes during the week and flying to Maine for L.L. Bean photo shoots on the weekends. All that came to a crashing halt when I discovered that I'd contracted an STD! Yes, I was the victim of a Sulphur-scented water Transmitted Disease...a toenail fungus! Infected from the murky waters of the hot springs. At first I was in denial, but as the STD became more and more obvious, my modelling contracts dried up. Soon I was left with the prospect that I would have this curse--bestowed by a wrathful god angered at my frequenting such a sin filled and despicable place (there WAS nudity there, after all!!)--for the rest of my life. My life went downhill--I stopped wearing sandals; I swam with my socks on; I couldn't even go to church barefoot anymore. It was a living hell! Imagine, then, my interest when I started seeing commercials for nail fungus drugs--you know, the ones with the little monster that looks like a cross between E.T. and George from Seinfeld. The heavens opened up and I thought--here is my ticket to regaining my foot model career and chance to go to the city pool without moon boots on. The first chance I got, I asked my doctor about it and she said that since it was considered cosmetic, my plan didn't cover it so I'd have to pay out-of-pocket. This amounted to $700 to $800 per treatment and it could sometimes take 3 to 4 treatments! Despite the cost, I was still a little intrigued by the prospect of a cure--until the doctor went on to tell me that I'd also have to come in every other week to get my liver tested, as the drug has the potential to cause liver damage! The money was one thing (I could recoup that with a couple shoe photo shoots, right?), but risking the organ that filters all my Diet Pepsi was going too far. I decided against the drug and was about to turn to witchcraft when as a last resort, I turned instead to that source of all knowledge--both true and fictional...the Internets! Of course! If anything had the potential solution to overcoming this heavy burden it would be some quack's website. Sure enough, I found LOTS of cures: soaking in cornmeal mush; applying Vick's Vap-o-Rub, rubbing the affected nails with wild boar bacon, preferably a boar slaughtered on Midsummer Night's Eve by a virgin using a silver-plated bread knife. I decided to try one of the cures listed. The cornmeal thing sounded weird, and even though I had a wild boar handy, I had NO idea where to find a virgin, so I decided to try to Vap-O-Rub. I've been faithfully applying it for a month now--unfortunately since nails don't grow that fast, it will take about 6 to 9 months to see if it works or if I've been duped. If I meet success with this treatment, I'll post a picture from the Nike sandal photo shoot on St. Croix I'm hoping to get. If it doesn't work, I'll have to start hunting up a virgin that would be willing to kill a wild boar next summer.