Unicorns

Speaking of unicorns (see the comments from the previous, thoroughly depressing post), today's paper also had an article about unicorns that renewed my faith in the mainstream media. That awesome stories like this are still published makes my heart glad:

Have you seen me?
Mythical? Come, now. Rare sightings of this magical beast, missing since the '80s, give hope to believers everywhere.
By EMILY NIPPS

If you were a child of the '80s, you remember the unicorn, that enchanting horned creature that graced the cover of your Trapper Keeper and covered the pages of your sticker books. You might remember the heartbreaking animated film The Last Unicorn, and you might have brushed the pretty purple mane of your My Little Pony Moondancer doll. Unicorns, it seemed, were everywhere. Unicorns were cooler than fairies, more believable than dragons. They represented mystery and hope, a slightly dark fantasy made sweet with sparkles and rainbows. One day, we thought, we'll find one. And we'll be super-secret best friends forever. At some point, though, we stopped believing. Or did we? Over the last few years, the unicorn has slowly and quietly crept back into popular culture. It has popped up on trendy retro-style T-shirts, often with sayings like "Unicorn Power!" and "Free Unicorn Rides." It has appeared in television ads, flooding MySpace and gaining popularity on YouTube cult video clips. There's a hip indie band called the Unicorns and countless Web sites devoted to unicorn awareness. It's hard to say exactly why this sacred beast has made a comeback, but we're hoping it's here to stay. For those who missed the unicorn craze of the '80s, here are the answers to some of your most burning unicorn questions.

Where do unicorns come from?
The origin of the unicorn is as mysterious as the beast itself. Ancient Greek historians wrote of unicorn discovery in India, while German scientists found prehistoric unicorn bones in 1663. The most popular and credible theory, however, is that unicorns migrated to America long ago from the Land of Awesome. (A little-known fact for you: the special rainbow bridge from the Land of Awesome to America was destroyed by the Decepticons during the Care Bear Wars.)

Can unicorns fly?
No, you're thinking of a Pegasus, which is not magical and has no horn. Unicorns are so fleet on foot, they don't need wings. Plus, they know karate. (They also know how to balance the federal budget but the White House is too stubborn to ask their help.)

Are unicorns magical?
Very, but most of the magic is located in the horn, which has the power to neutralize poison. This comes in handy when, say, one of your enemies hands you a cup of apple juice with poison in it. Let your unicorn stick its horn in your cup, and the juice is ready to drink! (They're really popular in Utah, where they use this power to turn wine into water... because, you know, it's what Jesus would do!)

Can I ride my unicorn?
A unicorn is your best friend, not your taxi service. Many people mistake a unicorn for a horse. And that's just wrong.

Will my unicorn talk about me behind my back?
Unicorns are honest creatures and will tell it like it is. They will tell you when your tag is sticking out of your collar or when your Electric Youth perfume smells like rotten bananas. But they will never, ever divulge your faults to other people. Not even to Santa's elves. (Unlike Catholic priests, who are now contstrained by law to divulge certain "faults" to the authorities... man, unicorns are SO much better!)

What do unicorns eat?
Unicorns love to munch on stones, tree sap and rainbow glitter. Do not try to give a unicorn chewing gum. It will poop pink bubbles and ruin your carpet. (That happened once in one of my mission apartments and my mission president wouldn't believe me... something about not unicorns... blah blah blah... LSD.... something something... bad trip. I don't remember all the details, exactly.)

How do I capture a unicorn?
A unicorn can only be captured and tamed by a virgin, who must entrap the beast with her purity and charm. If a virgin is not around, try ensnaring it in a dreamcatcher. A shotgun will also work.

Do unicorns like to party?
No, unicorns are lonesome souls who prefer to gallop along purple sandy shorelines, underneath the starry sky. However, if you insist, the unicorn will have a glass of Rumplemintz.